Lupus Meltdown – (Lupus Stress)

I haven’t written for a while and I apologize.  Lupus dominated my life over the past couple of months.  The physical and emotional stress all culminated into a lupus meltdown.

What Happened?
Here are the events and details the led up to my, let’s say outpouring of emotions, to describe it gently.  A couple of weeks ago, I moved into a new home.  My boyfriend and our friends handled all the heavy lifting, naturally.  I was not content to impersonate a bystander, watching all the activity from my comfy recliner.  So I participated cautiously, lightly packing and unpacking, and handling matters on my perpetual “to do list”.  Alright, I confess.  The truth is I overexerted myself, pushing my body and emotions to the threshold of pre-crisis.  That last sentence is my continual ruination.

Why can’t I stop or at least slow down and honor my limitations?  (Perhaps a wee bit stubborn, hmm?)  The physical cost to my body was not worth it.  (When will I learn?)  The preceding and post-move anxiety was controllable, but I refused to relax in confidence that all would be okay.  (Forgetting faithfulness.)  The aftermath pain was unbearable.  When my pain is uncontrollable, depression struts into my psyche without hesitation.  When depression possesses me, it takes tremendous effort and energy to purge it.  (Don’t be fooled, though.)  The depression is never completely gone.  It’s merely stifled, always smoldering and threatening to emerge.  (What a tyrant!)

The stress of it all finally broke me.  I had a lupus meltdown and the watershed commenced.

lupus cry

The Drama Details
I locked myself in my bathroom, joined the rug on the floor, and I cried.  I’m talking a full on wailing cry.  There was even a little bit of hyperventilating and truthfully it scared me.  I’m the queen of hiding my emotions.  Releasing them so freely was a new escapade. 


In the midst of my hyper cry, I thought of a friend of mine who also suffers from a chronic illness.  She told me that she occasionally screamed when her medical issues and life overwhelmed her.  That notion always fascinated me.  screamWondering what screaming aloud would feel like, and since I was already blubbering, I gave it a go.  It felt good.  Really, really good!  I wish I could express that more eloquently, but all I can think to say is, “Yay!”  The whole dramatic cry was quite liberating and cathartic.  During my hysterical expression, I realized that my body, mind, and emotions were desperate to release all of my stockpiled stress, tension, anxiety, and anger.

Record Scratch Sound Effect – Anger?
Yes, anger!  The whole moving process invoked angry feelings.  The physical pain, emotional hurt, and prolific frustration at my blasted sick body, all fed my anger a costly collation.  The price being my health.  Too exorbitant for my budget.  I’ve heard that anger often supersedes hurt.  I’ll attest to that as I experienced it firsthand.    

The song “Rootless Tree” by Damien Rice expresses my frequent sentiments about lupus.  While the song might be written about a person, for me the antagonist in the lyrics represents my internal disease and medical complications.  When I cannot, or obstinately won’t express what I need and want to, I find solace in music.  The “Rootless Tree” song, is my go to “I hate you right now lupus” song.  (Warning, the song has explicit lyrics.)anger

Why all the anger?  Because I am physically not able to do what others folks can.  Correction, I cannot do what I used to be able to without considering the immense physical fallout.  It’s infuriating.  This bleeping disease is cruel.  Lupus robs me physically and beyond.  This disease cheats and deprives me of the freedom of living life the way I want. 

I must emphasize that I am deeply grateful for the wonderful people in my life who continually help me.  However, watching others move about easily and free from the trepidation I feel when I match their physicality, it makes me angry.  Not at them, but at the lupus handcuffs of relentless constraints and limitations.  I’m mad at this disease.


I Got an “F” On My Exam
Keeping positive through life’s trials and tribulations is my perpetual assignment, but I flunked my last test. test My stubbornness and refusal to hear my body screaming at me, caused me to emotionally nosedive.  I would love to promise that I’ve learned my lesson, but I don’t want to perjure myself.  All I can say is that I’ll try to do better next time.  I want to prevent a future lupus meltdown.  I’ll try to be kinder to myself.  Lupus dictates it.  (It’s such a bully!)

Confession:  I failed again.  As I type this, I have a migraine and yet I keep typing.  I’m going to stop typing now.  Honest.  See, there I did it.  I’m still typing aren’t I?  Curses!

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